losingtolove's Xanga

Why do I come back here?

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 15:34:53 GMT

I guess, because, it's where I feel most at home. When I come to this xanga (as opposed to my other one, more secular) it's me. And the other one is me too, just in a different way. But this feels more like me and I don't know where to stand.

Because part of me is rational and structured, and part of me is irrational and whimsical, unorganized and chaotic, imagining and always in a different realm of mind. I've realized that there's nothing wrong with this sort of mind; its just different.. perhaps more philosophical. And perhaps instead of trying to curse it and become "cured" from it, embrace it with the new me.

Besides, where would we get half our books from if we didn't have these creative, out-of-this-world sort of minds. I'm blessed to have this sort of vision.

Sorry if I come off as boastful or proud or arrogant; I certainly do not mean too. But living in a world where you're live and well and so blessed, but believing your bones are crumbled and nerves are shot to death.. it's hard accepting oneself. But I am getting closer.

And one of the most freeing epiphanies I've realized today is this: We have rolemodels and people we look up too. But the true art and happiness in life is not living to be them, but to be like them, in our own way. I feel as though I've been trying to sculpt myself to be someone I know who is close and who I love; but the fact of the matter is .. that's living up to someone else's expectations and way of life. And it also is making me shut out parts of myself that was to flow and be expressed.

I'm feeling that spark of joy inside, so magnifiscent and indescribable; that utter.. bliss and knowing that I can be who I want to be, and who I truly am, and keep all the morals and good things I've been developing while I've been off this xanga. I don't have to curse my illustrative mind and throw away the words and thoughts of me which make me... me. I'm wasting all my energy on trying to bury what, by lifes standards, perhaps, should and could be being released and touching other people.

This sort of realization is one that is so simple; one perhaps, that is typical of a 12 year old, or suddenly-turned teenager feeling fantastical about life, but I've discovered that this "fantastical" life view is not characteristic of a mere turn in age, but in choosing to view life for what it truly is -- an absolutely mystical and wonderful creation and process that we are so grateful to be surrounded by, to be living in, to experience. This is not a child's view (and why is this view scorned as such, by so many critics?); this view is not fabricated by illusions or unicorns or butterflies. This is life: painful and sorrowful, but joyful still. Life that brings hurt and lies, but life that brings reconciliation and forgiveness.

This is the world and a life that is so far from perfect, and by no means ideal or masked in fakeness or unrealistic motifs that make the rationalists speak "Oh, what pesky dreamers in this world of their own illusions.." No. I don't fabricate, I don't cover up. This is life -- broken and beautiful. I feel sorry for those who can, but choose not to love the world, despite its flaws and drawbacks.

Because how we view the world is not up to our eyes, but to our hearts and minds. What we see, then, is and always will be, a choice.

And who is to say I am a dreamer, an irrational thinker, an absurd naive being who simple concludes ideas about life that are nonexistent? The truth is this: We see what we want to see. And there simply is more to life than paying the bills, getting up early in the morning and going to work, and "getting by". There's more to life than just ourselves. There's deeper meaning, there's more to find and discover in the world beyond boring TV commercials.

And now I suppose I feel so euphoric because I feel as though I've finally realized that I love my mind, I really do. I am a complete optimist -- and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm tired of trying to reverse this; I'm tired of dumbing down the optimist side of me. I'm all about balance; I realize there must be rational times in life; in fact, we all can't be so irrational as to think that optimism alone will allow us to win the lottery, or whatever crazy scheme. That is extremist. But what I am saying, is this: Err on the side of optimistic. In a spectrum of pessimism, to optimism, live a bit beyond the balance of the two, towards the optimistic side.

Because dwelling in that place allows us to marvel at this world in such awe and passion, but live on, as we must, making out means. We're still "getting through," doing what we need to do (which is hopefully something that we love to do) but we are seeing in a more perfect vision the true beauty that so many choose to ignore. Live on the edge -- don't slip into irrationalism and psychotic thinking, but live on the edge and in this frame of mind, I assure you, so many new thoughts will you discover.

My hope for the world is that folks choose to live as optimists. Being into psychology, I know well enough the power of our thoughts. And for the average person, simply re-thinking negative thoughts can totally -- and I mean totally, change your life.

Life's all about perspective.

I'm sorry

Sun, 10 May 2009 16:17:59 GMT

What do you do for someone who doesn't care to live anymore. I can't seem to do anything right. I've been in a depresseive state for four days... because no one wants to listen to me. No one in my house cares. No one. I don't know what to do.

My mom is upset with me because she thinks I don't care about her or anything. I love her with all my heart and I could never express how much she means to me through any deed .. but I don't have the energy. I don't have the energy to be happy, because that's what she wanted today. A happy day. How can she expect that from me when she's not even happy herself. We live in this hell of a "family" .. I can't be happy. It's not that I don't love or care about her, but I don't care about life. I don't feel like I could live any longer.

Sometimes I wish I was strong enough to end it all, because at least there would be a way out. I'm not strong enough, and there's no way out. Only suffering. I don't know where to go, but I don't want to be here any longer. At least not in my house. I don't know what to do. Now my mom is upset, crying, etc. and somehow I knew it was going to come down to me. She'll find comfort in my Dad, who will try to be all heroic today, even though he's the one who made me this way. I'm sorry mom, I really am. I'm sorry but I just don't know how to make it up to you. I feel so languish and lifeless, I wish I could have made things special. I just didn't know how. I just don't know how. What can I ever do to change things. I feel like the only thing that would have made this day okay would be if we were all happy and acting family like, like everythings okay.

But how can I tell you that.. we can't pretend. It wouldn't be real. Pretending is no good, it's just a waste of energy. If we went out to eat, I wouldn't eat. I don't want to eat. It's not worth it to eat. Why nourish myself when I don't want to be here. But we're not going out to eat, its all over. I'll just stay here locked in my room, and starve. There's nothing that could bring me comfort at this point. I think if I ate, I'd throwup.

You tell me "Go spend a day with someone who has nothing and then tell me how you feel." You can't pull that on me. The truth is that I know I have a lot to be grateful for; I know I am blessed. But I can't stop. I can't stop feeling like this. There's literally no thought that could change. I cry out to you everyday that I feel horrible and I want you to listen, but you never do. You just yell at me. You don't want to listen because you caused it.

Mom, I love you and I know you love me. But everyday I am left thinking you don't care. No one cares. I am left thinking that no one in this world loves or cares about me. I just don't know what to do. If I could escape my mind for awhile and just change things I would. I don't know how to reach out.

I pray to God to take my life away, but that is probably the most selfish thing I could ask for. It goes against all God is and offers and does and has sacraficed. I literally and seriously am depressed and don't know what to do with my life anymore.. theres nothing to do but starve and slowly drift away, to fall asleep in this bed and simply drift from consciousness until my physical self and spirit are disconnected.. it's the closest thing to feeling nothing, it's the closest thing to not existing.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:40:19 GMT

I'm sad today, but I'm okay today.

Joy

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 15:35:12 GMT

I don't need food for comfort, or to be happy. What I have I already need. It is better to use intristic comfort than to use extristic sources to bring me comfort.

Today I feel fresh, I feel relieved, I feel enlightened, and I feel optimistic.

I'm ready to bloom, to break down the walls and pull down my shields, to open up and reveil my real self that is ready to become thriving and alive.

Love, always.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 01:04:25 GMT

We often look at old photographs of ourselves and others, to see what and who we used to be. We look at our childhood photos and say .. "Look how I have changed." But the truth is that the pictures we look at, are not us. They are the past. They are different. They are gone. Sometimes they are so vastly different that we don't recognize ourselves and don't want to.

So maybe I'll take a picture today, and look at it tomorrow and hope I'm gone, too. It's the closest I'll ever get to waving myself goodbye.

My dreaded friend

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 23:34:15 GMT

Like an ex-lover, to which I've said "good bye", I miss you now further down the road. It's tempting to not wave mysteriously and express a hello, and how I miss the way you helped me cope. It's hard to not cave in, in times of deep sorrow, to embrace you and to go to you, though you truly deny me any comfort.

I miss you, I want you, I need you, but I can't. I look at the mirror, and see you there, and place my hands upon the reflection and feel your presence, but forever are you disappeared.

Strength

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 22:05:09 GMT

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Fri, 27 Mar 2009 02:42:25 GMT

How I've missed you all.
Sometimes I'm not sure what I want, or what I need.
But I've realized now that I need to take care of some things, so I'm losing weight

My Boston trip is April 23rd:
My Birthday is May 20th:
My Prom is May 23rd:

I have lots of other stuff too going on that I want to look nice for, and more so than look -- feel good. I need to feel good about myself because then I can feel good about my life in general.

Dieting / Exercising very strictly.

Most of the foods for my diet:
-fruit
-veggies
-cheese
-chicken
-turkey
-fish
-tuna
-yogurt
-nuts (walnuts, pecans, almonds)
-fiber bars
-granola
-tea
-water
-light OJ
-skin milk
-cranberry / apple juice
-coffee
-non-creamy dressings
-non-creamy soups
-peanut butter
-wheat bread
-grahams w/ coolwhip
-gum
-wheat pasta

daily goals:
-exercise
-stretch
-brush teeth 3x
-lotion all over after shower
-whiten teeth
-read bible
-get enough sleep
-no procrastination
-nailes neatly painted
-prayer every night / morning
-short meditation in the AM
-remove makeup / wash face routine in AM & PM
-be more optimistic

adding more stuff later and posting more on on my personal
"easter challenge": 17 days, 20 pounds? I can do it.
Starting weight: 235
Ending weight: 215

My original lenten plan was to be 207 Easter morning, but 215 will do. I'm not doig "3" lbs a week, slow, blah blah. I'm kicking it up. This is Biggest Loser style for me. This is hard working, as much as possible (without hurting myself) and discipline. It's not easy, but it's do-able. I'm ready.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Thu, 19 Mar 2009 01:05:20 GMT

I eat because I'm fat.
I'm fat because I eat.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 00:04:54 GMT

I'm sort of frustrated and overwhelmed right now, though I shouldn't be. But you know what? I exercised. And that was my goal, so I should be happy. Everything will work out as planned. Everything will be fine. Breathe.

There's a peace I've come to know, though my heart and flesh may fail.
There's an anchor for my soul, I can say "It is well".

Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed.
The victory is won; he is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name; No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings before my God, fall on my knees
And rise; I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near when this darkness breaks to light.
And the shadows disappear, and my faith shall be my eyes.

Jesus has overcome and the grave is overwhelmed.
The victory is won; he is risen from the dead

And I will rise when He calls my name, no more sorrow, no more pain.
I will rise on eagles' wings before my God, fall on my knees,
And rise; I will rise