What do you do for someone who doesn't care to live anymore.  I can't seem to do anything right. I've been in a depresseive state for four days... because no one wants to listen to me. No one in my house cares. No one. I don't know what to do.

My mom is upset with me because she thinks I don't care about her or anything. I love her with all my heart and I could never express how much she means to me through any deed .. but I don't have the energy. I don't have the energy to be happy, because that's what she wanted today. A happy day. How can she expect that from me when she's not even happy herself. We live in this hell of a "family" .. I can't be happy. It's not that I don't love or care about her, but I don't care about life. I don't feel like I could live any longer.

Sometimes I wish I was strong enough to end it all, because at least there would be a way out. I'm not strong enough, and there's no way out. Only suffering. I don't know where to go, but I don't want to be here any longer. At least not in my house. I don't know what to do. Now my mom is upset, crying, etc. and somehow I knew it was going to come down to me. She'll find comfort in my Dad, who will try to be all heroic today, even though he's the one who made me this way. I'm sorry mom, I really am. I'm sorry but I just don't know how to make it up to you. I feel so languish and lifeless, I wish I could have made things special. I just didn't know how. I just don't know how. What can I ever do to change things. I feel like the only thing that would have made this day okay would be if we were all happy and acting family like, like everythings okay.

But how can I tell you that.. we can't pretend. It wouldn't be real. Pretending is no good, it's just a waste of energy. If we went out to eat, I wouldn't eat. I don't want to eat. It's not worth it to eat. Why nourish myself when I don't want to be here. But we're not going out to eat, its all over. I'll just stay here locked in my room, and starve. There's nothing that could bring me comfort at this point. I think if I ate, I'd throwup.

You tell me "Go spend a day with someone who has nothing and then tell me how you feel." You can't pull that on me. The truth is that I know I have a lot to be grateful for; I know I am blessed. But I can't stop. I can't stop feeling like this. There's literally no thought that could change. I cry out to you everyday that I feel horrible and I want you to listen, but you never do. You just yell at me. You don't want to listen because you caused it.

Mom, I love you and I know you love me. But everyday I am left thinking you don't care. No one cares. I am left thinking that no one in this world loves or cares about me. I just don't know what to do. If I could escape my mind for awhile and just change things I would. I don't know how to reach out. 

I pray to God to take my life away, but that is probably the most selfish thing I could ask for. It goes against all God is and offers and does and has sacraficed.  I literally and seriously am depressed and don't know what to do with my life anymore.. theres nothing to do but starve and slowly drift away, to fall asleep in this bed and simply drift from consciousness until my physical self and spirit are disconnected.. it's the closest thing to feeling nothing, it's the closest thing to not existing.